A few days back, I was in Wisma Sejarah to attend my Master programme's orientation. The orientation supposed to last for a whole day, but I bailed out after finishing the morning session. I must say I walked away with mixed feelings, and I would like to discuss it in this post - though not very much about the programme.
To go back to Ivory tower isn't a simple decision, in fact it was a move that I wanted to take since I graduated back then. It was a move that affect not only myself, but also people and things that I care for - my fiance, my family, my career development and surely financial stability. All these were the showstoppers previously, I know that I can't put all of it aside and focus on studying. A little bit background of myself, I was brought up in a middle (more to lower) class family, and like all the other typical Chinese family, education is always a need but not a want in our family, the bear minimum or the hope was just to ensure that, we manage to get a ticket to enter the white collar labor market, and eventually secure a job that can provide. When I was in my undergrad, I really enjoyed studying a lot, although there were times that I was needed to study for exam which I hated a lot, but most of my time was fonder memories. And this little seed of wanting to do big on Academic has rooted in me then, but things weren't as smooth as I wanted it to be, I have no choice but to work.
It wasn't really a big let go of my dream, in between I still did try to apply for a foreign scholarship - Erasmus Mundus, but I didn't make it to the finalist pool - only managed to be in the reserve list. This was in year 2015. And after that, the idea of studying has faded, and it becomes the elephant in the room.
Things changes a few months ago. It was just another ordinary day, where I wandered around on the internet, and I discovered about this new programme of USM - Master in Cognitive Neuroscience. This programme is supervised and structured directly under the School of Medical Science. The whole offerings are very exciting, since it is attached under Medical School, so you can expect to have the access to utilize better technology for your research, and your panel of lecturers will mostly be those Medical Doctors that instilled a higher standard in their teachings (bias thought!). After years of showering with the reality, now, I am in a better position to take more control on my life, my paycheck is sufficient to allow me to spread my wings for self actualization - and the tiny voice in me was shouting out loud: it is time, and I should give it a try.
The later parts of story were quite standard, apply to the programme, got interviewed, and then the offer is on the table.
I have this weird habits where I overthink a lot, so even when I haven't confirmed that I am being offered with a placement - my trail of thought has run so far down to picture the life, consequences, changes awaits ahead of me. The decision wasn't make by me only, my fiance was very supportive when it comes to studying, being my best friend and better half of my life, she always know that there is this tiny little flame in me, and without any hesitation, she supports me unconditionally.
When things are at the bright side, I know I should be positive, but somehow or rather, I started to fear, I am doubting my willpower. This plot is pretty much predictable if you know me well enough. I think I have this problem where I have very bizarre (fluctuating) self-confidence and recognition. The more support I get from the surroundings, the more I will have this fear that I will disappoint people, it is like my wish has turned into other's expectation on me, and I care more on how people see me. So what I've secretly done was not to share this big news on social media, no FB, no Linkedin about it at all. You don't tell the whole world something that is half baked. Half baked, what a word!? Am I trying to implicit the idea of pulling out now? or half way? seriously, if you were to dig into my body and listen to all those tiny voices, the inside story will pretty much be like the angel and devil's conversation, so no conclusion yet.
Going for such a big changes in life, you can't just assume you will live with blinded self-persuasion. Your determination needs to be translated into actionable items, like be more discipline. Am I ready for all these? perhaps? I think so? nah, let's get it done once and for all, I have waited for 5 years, so it is now or never, the answer is simple: I am ready.
I don't know how people will think of me after they read this, but what I needed now is just a window to let go of the running wild thoughts in me, and I know underneath the self-inflicted worries, I still want to pursue this. I fear, but having this fear isn't a bad thing.
So wish me all the best for finally have the guts to address the elephant in the room, I will be fine.
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