记事 1 | 开学

终于开学了，上了好几堂课，尽管好几次都是在错愕与惊讶当中度过，但无可厚非当学生真的很幸福。

上学这条路，好像和当初在念本科时，在感觉上特别不一样。念本科时，身边总是围绕这一群朋友（先不论是良友还是猪朋），但是念硕暂时给我最大的感觉时，这条走着的时候，好像有点孤单。

每个周末，早早就会醒过来，在持续好几个5分钟的延迟后，才会缓缓地从温暖床铺中不太情愿的撑起身子。但，想到在课堂上，可以学到新的知识时，睡意会顿时转换为浅浅地微笑。习惯在热乎乎的淋浴中，洗去一身倦意，然后再让思绪飞窜，不久后，便会换过一身轻盈的便服，在厨房里翻箱倒柜的找着食物，最常吃的是青瓜，胡萝卜。

大概30分钟车程，我就会达到学校。虽然称为学校，但其实也不过是在一栋政府楼的某个楼层。课室通常会是电脑室，里面的凳椅可说是一场赌博，有时如果命运许可，你可能会获得的一张看似不舒服，但其实4个小时直下后，仍不会感到腰酸背痛的椅子；但也有时候，命运弄人，才刚坐下十分钟，你腰骨似打上了千万支针筒一样的酸痛，不适感偶尔会太过猛烈，才不情不愿的换着椅子，通常换过了过后，会有着那种感恩万分的情绪弄上心头（对，我有点懒和夸张）。

第一星期的课，教授们很体恤的告诉我们，尽管我们的课程是医学院承办的，但教授们对于我们的要求，没有很高。但求每一科都70分，勉强及格就好。听了，有点咂舌，但不服输的劲还是在，想着可不可能以第一级的成绩过这个学期，但想了想可能性是有的，只是学习的计划要规划的更好，执行也要更为严谨。

上学这件事，家人的看法是参半的。也有口里说着好，但却没有很体谅的行为。我的情绪较为敏感，所以有为了这件事情思虑过，且陷入深深的情绪当中。

这星期要去注册了，喜忧参半。喜，在于这是庄快乐事，虽然到了今时今日，我也没有找到一个很明确的理由去做这件事，但无差。忧，是因为有很琐碎事还没做好，实在太多琐碎事了。这次的事件，也让我察觉到了自身的忧虑可以是这么夸张的。

这个星期要交第一份功课了，希望一切顺利。

To break the bubbles

A few days back, I was in Wisma Sejarah to attend my Master programme's orientation. The orientation supposed to last for a whole day, but I bailed out after finishing the morning session. I must say I walked away with mixed feelings, and I would like to discuss it in this post - though not very much about the programme.

To go back to Ivory tower isn't a simple decision, in fact it was a move that I wanted to take since I graduated back then. It was a move that affect not only myself, but also people and things that I care for - my fiance, my family, my career development and surely financial stability. All these were the showstoppers previously, I know that I can't put all of it aside and focus on studying. A little bit background of myself, I was brought up in a middle (more to lower) class family, and like all the other typical Chinese family, education is always a need but not a want in our family, the bear minimum or the hope was just to ensure that, we manage to get a ticket to enter the white collar labor market, and eventually secure a job that can provide. When I was in my undergrad, I really enjoyed studying a lot, although there were times that I was needed to study for exam which I hated a lot, but most of my time was fonder memories. And this little seed of wanting to do big on Academic has rooted in me then, but things weren't as smooth as I wanted it to be, I have no choice but to work.

It wasn't really a big let go of my dream, in between I still did try to apply for a foreign scholarship - Erasmus Mundus, but I didn't make it to the finalist pool - only managed to be in the reserve list. This was in year 2015. And after that, the idea of studying has faded, and it becomes the elephant in the room.

Things changes a few months ago. It was just another ordinary day, where I wandered around on the internet, and I discovered about this new programme of USM - Master in Cognitive Neuroscience. This programme is supervised and structured directly under the School of Medical Science. The whole offerings are very exciting, since it is attached under Medical School, so you can expect to have the access to utilize better technology for your research, and your panel of lecturers will mostly be those Medical Doctors that instilled a higher standard in their teachings (bias thought!). After years of showering with the reality, now, I am in a better position to take more control on my life, my paycheck is sufficient to allow me to spread my wings for self actualization - and the tiny voice in me was shouting out loud: it is time, and I should give it a try. 

The later parts of story were quite standard, apply to the programme, got interviewed, and then the offer is on the table. 

I have this weird habits where I overthink a lot, so even when I haven't confirmed that I am being offered with a placement - my trail of thought has  run so far down to picture the life, consequences, changes awaits ahead of me. The decision wasn't make by me only, my fiance was very supportive when it comes to studying, being my best friend and better half of my life, she always know that there is this tiny little flame in me, and without any hesitation, she supports me unconditionally.

When things are at the bright side, I know I should be positive, but somehow or rather, I started to fear, I am doubting my willpower. This plot is pretty much predictable if you know me well enough. I think I have this problem where I have very bizarre (fluctuating) self-confidence and recognition. The more support I get from the surroundings, the more I will have this fear that I will disappoint people, it is like my wish has turned into other's expectation on me, and I care more on how people see me. So what I've secretly done was not to share this big news on social media, no FB, no Linkedin about it at all. You don't tell the whole world something that is half baked.  Half baked, what a word!? Am I trying to implicit the idea of pulling out now? or half way? seriously, if you were to dig into my body and listen to all those tiny voices, the inside story will pretty much be like the angel and devil's conversation, so no conclusion yet.

Going for such a big changes in life, you can't just assume you will live with blinded self-persuasion. Your determination needs to be translated into actionable items, like be more discipline. Am I ready for all these? perhaps? I think so? nah, let's get it done once and for all, I have waited for 5 years, so it is now or never, the answer is simple: I am ready.

I don't know how people will think of me after they read this, but what I needed now is just a window to let go of the running wild thoughts in me, and I know underneath the self-inflicted worries, I still want to pursue this. I fear, but having this fear isn't a bad thing.

So wish me all the best for finally have the guts to address the elephant in the room, I will be fine. 

A start

最近疯了。对工作依然觉得疲倦，会有着一种无法大展拳脚的感觉，当然这里面除了自身的惰性之外，老板做生意的模式也真的很令人咋舌。

自从大学毕业以后，时间过了差不多有5年余。依希犹记，大学毕业时，满腔热血的安排着自己继续深造的梦想，然后也很幼稚地发着白日梦，哪一天会行走在常春藤的任何一间大学的花园了，捧着厚重的书本，行走在春色花香的情境下，偶尔望向池塘，暗暗地感叹着徐志摩那时的剑桥一游。前面说得这么夸张，感觉上不是真的梦想成真，就是梦想一拍即散。两者都不是，梦想在一个取舍与折衷的环境下，貌似要萌芽发展。就在数个星期前，偶然看到了马来西亚理科大学要承办一个新课程 - Master of Cognitive Neuroscience 。从一开始发现到后来的申请程序，大概只花了一两个星期。如果问我是否已经深思熟虑而做出这个决定，我实在也说不上来。感觉上，这个决定是有着8分的整装待发，和两份的冲动。记得那天草草的翻了一些资料（关于Cognitive Neuroscience)，然后回家向女朋友（那时候还不是未婚妻）说着这个机会和自己的意愿，她是很支持我的，我想现在身边不是很多人见过我当初在大学的拼搏，女友是非常清楚我的潜力与能够继续深造的梦想的。所以我们并没有说太多，女友非常支持我，而且也坚信我一定能够完成这个课程。然后过了几个星期，收到了理大的通知，他们入取了我进这个课程。当然，我是半工半读的安排下继续念书。认识我的人大概都知道我是一个标准的织梦者。得知入取资格过后，除了很疯狂的念着一些很深涩的相关的期刊报告之外，我也很不切实际的找着那一间美国大学的Cognitive Neuroscience是很出名。我到了Harvard, Brown, Columbia, MIT, John Hopkins, UCLA和一些英国大学像 Cambridge, Oxford，UOL等等的相关网页去找资料，最后看了好几位研究非常出色的教授，其中有一位香港教授（他在UCLA教书）特别吸引着我目光，大学本科一级荣誉毕业后，之后便到了Oxford越级修博，现在已经是一位受人尊重的教授。我也在慢慢翻着他的研究期刊，想看看日后我的研究能不能够朝他的研究兴趣去，说不来的，或许他会成为之后的研究导师（当然实际一点，毕业硕士才来谈博士，或许连硕都没读完）。

今年，特别是下半年，太多东西一起发生了。终于下定决心去读书，然后我也要和我女友结婚了，会在9月30日注册，这是一个很大块的话题，日后有时候会慢慢告知。谈些正式事：这个部落格最主要是为了记录我念书的一些点点滴滴，她可以是记录一些人事物，也能成为一个杂物堆，让我丢一些相关研究期刊在这里，也可以是我学了一些什么有趣的东西，可以在这里分享。不留任何承诺，有心有时间便会持续写着。