bad news

I am facing another crisis in my studies, again.

Last week I had a Zumba class with colleagues (yes, I left the previous startup, and currently attached to VERY gigantic MNC). Right after the session, I felt a sharp sore at my lower back, and I thought it was just another over-did-it kind of thing, so I went on to shower and quickly lay on the bed, hoping that the pain will just eventually ease out. But boy, I was just too optimistic about it. I lay down for about an hour, and the sore was just getting more and more significant, and it went to a point where I can't seem to find a good sleeping position to make myself relax.

Kewy came home about 8 yish, and I heard her keys dropped into the key bowl, and I wanted to go down and tell her what happen. Then, while I was trying to turn myself to side, and attempted to stand up. The sharp pain from my lower back suddenly washed over me, and I cried with a loud "ouch" - the next thing I realized was that I CAN'T walk nor stand AT ALL. In my whole life, I've been dealing with back pain, so I am quite familiar with it and built up quite good endurance over time. However, this episode was just too surreal and extreme which I never experienced such pain in my life. Many thoughts flew through my mind, pondering whether I should head out to hospital or what (I try to avoid hospital in my life a lot - the typical Asian thing). Just that end up the pain won the mind battle, I decided to make a trip to hospital. I have this habit to not wear undergarment at home, and during that time, I was in my very comfy PJs, it weren't those clothing that you wish other people will see you in. I stood up and was limping over to the clothes rack, and in lighting speed, being careless on the option, I just grabbed whatever within reached, and quickly lay on the bed again. I took almost 15 minutes just to take off my pants, and put on my underwear and the outing pants.

After I done with the changing trauma, I took my phone and my wallet, again, limping at least for a few minutes to get down. Kewy was eating her dinner at dining hall, and the moment she saw me, her face changed and asked me if I want to see a doctor. Feeling energy-less, I still managed to put a show up and cheekily replied her in my in-pain husky voice - "yup, I brought my phone and wallet, I need to go hospital NOW!"

Getting into the car was another dying moment for me, I found out that whenever I need to bend my body, the pain will just shoot up. The moment I got into the car, the pain was just so extreme until cold sweats covered all over me. End up, we decided to go Sunway Medical Center despite the nearest hospital should be Assunta, but nope, I will take a pass on Assunta hospital (I was preparing for the worst where I need to be warded, and since I am covered with insurance, I better choose one that I will fall asleep comfortably without worrying that someone...or something pull off my blanket).

Immediately after we reached Sunway, I was then being sent to the A&E department, doctor asked me a few questions and ordered a painkiller injection for me, and an x-ray as well. Honestly, until now I still feel that the jab was just a placebo, because it didn't manage my pain. 

When the nurses pushed me to the imaging department, I was laying on the hospital bed, and the feeling of someone pushing you around, losing the grasp on navigation, florescent lamp flashed through on top of you, well...it does give me a chill...in a bad way.

Anyway, the good news is that I might not have slipped disc, as the scan came back clean, but the doctor said x-ray can't tell accurately on slipped disc condition, and wanted to come back for their ortho appointment. Yup, I wasn't required to be hospitalized. 

I was given 2 types of painkiller - which until today, I only left with one more tablet of Celebrex, and trust me although the pain gradually got better, but sitting, standing, and walking are still very challenging for me. Which all boils down to the main reason on this entry - I am supposed to submit an assignment today, but I really can't finish it on time, in fact it is still half baked in my laptop, and I just dropped my lecturer a honest email on my condition, and hoping that she will do me mercy to allow for a few more days of extension, if not, I won't be getting any marks on this, which again lead on to my 2nd reason of me writing this entry: I am seriously considering to withdraw from the programme. Stress, mental health issues, workload, bad time management, bad discipline, there are just so many reasons going through my mind now, and I honestly considering to just cut it off.

I will write another entry to explore further on the reasons - but anyhow, wish me luck and definitely speedy recovery.

"The way has been chosen by yourself, you have to walk to the end even on knees."