bad news

I am facing another crisis in my studies, again.

Last week I had a Zumba class with colleagues (yes, I left the previous startup, and currently attached to VERY gigantic MNC). Right after the session, I felt a sharp sore at my lower back, and I thought it was just another over-did-it kind of thing, so I went on to shower and quickly lay on the bed, hoping that the pain will just eventually ease out. But boy, I was just too optimistic about it. I lay down for about an hour, and the sore was just getting more and more significant, and it went to a point where I can't seem to find a good sleeping position to make myself relax.

Kewy came home about 8 yish, and I heard her keys dropped into the key bowl, and I wanted to go down and tell her what happen. Then, while I was trying to turn myself to side, and attempted to stand up. The sharp pain from my lower back suddenly washed over me, and I cried with a loud "ouch" - the next thing I realized was that I CAN'T walk nor stand AT ALL. In my whole life, I've been dealing with back pain, so I am quite familiar with it and built up quite good endurance over time. However, this episode was just too surreal and extreme which I never experienced such pain in my life. Many thoughts flew through my mind, pondering whether I should head out to hospital or what (I try to avoid hospital in my life a lot - the typical Asian thing). Just that end up the pain won the mind battle, I decided to make a trip to hospital. I have this habit to not wear undergarment at home, and during that time, I was in my very comfy PJs, it weren't those clothing that you wish other people will see you in. I stood up and was limping over to the clothes rack, and in lighting speed, being careless on the option, I just grabbed whatever within reached, and quickly lay on the bed again. I took almost 15 minutes just to take off my pants, and put on my underwear and the outing pants.

After I done with the changing trauma, I took my phone and my wallet, again, limping at least for a few minutes to get down. Kewy was eating her dinner at dining hall, and the moment she saw me, her face changed and asked me if I want to see a doctor. Feeling energy-less, I still managed to put a show up and cheekily replied her in my in-pain husky voice - "yup, I brought my phone and wallet, I need to go hospital NOW!"

Getting into the car was another dying moment for me, I found out that whenever I need to bend my body, the pain will just shoot up. The moment I got into the car, the pain was just so extreme until cold sweats covered all over me. End up, we decided to go Sunway Medical Center despite the nearest hospital should be Assunta, but nope, I will take a pass on Assunta hospital (I was preparing for the worst where I need to be warded, and since I am covered with insurance, I better choose one that I will fall asleep comfortably without worrying that someone...or something pull off my blanket).

Immediately after we reached Sunway, I was then being sent to the A&E department, doctor asked me a few questions and ordered a painkiller injection for me, and an x-ray as well. Honestly, until now I still feel that the jab was just a placebo, because it didn't manage my pain. 

When the nurses pushed me to the imaging department, I was laying on the hospital bed, and the feeling of someone pushing you around, losing the grasp on navigation, florescent lamp flashed through on top of you, well...it does give me a chill...in a bad way.

Anyway, the good news is that I might not have slipped disc, as the scan came back clean, but the doctor said x-ray can't tell accurately on slipped disc condition, and wanted to come back for their ortho appointment. Yup, I wasn't required to be hospitalized. 

I was given 2 types of painkiller - which until today, I only left with one more tablet of Celebrex, and trust me although the pain gradually got better, but sitting, standing, and walking are still very challenging for me. Which all boils down to the main reason on this entry - I am supposed to submit an assignment today, but I really can't finish it on time, in fact it is still half baked in my laptop, and I just dropped my lecturer a honest email on my condition, and hoping that she will do me mercy to allow for a few more days of extension, if not, I won't be getting any marks on this, which again lead on to my 2nd reason of me writing this entry: I am seriously considering to withdraw from the programme. Stress, mental health issues, workload, bad time management, bad discipline, there are just so many reasons going through my mind now, and I honestly considering to just cut it off.

I will write another entry to explore further on the reasons - but anyhow, wish me luck and definitely speedy recovery.

"The way has been chosen by yourself, you have to walk to the end even on knees." 

极短文 2 | 仓猝结束

第一个学期在慌慌张张的考试当中完美落幕。虽然磕磕碰碰，但无非当在最后一张考卷写上最后一个字时，心中那种落实的感觉格外正式。

第一个学期，成绩大概九死一生。报考了三个科目，心里有底的可能就只有一个科目，其余的要不非常低空飞过，不然就得是不及格。落寞了好几天，心中非常明白不及格的原因，自己仍然活在要及时享乐的生活之中，不等到死到临头，绝不下定决心开始，所以变成了这种一发不可收拾的局面。想了很久，其实发现念研究所真的不能像当初念本科时的随心所欲，特别是在本职工作的情况下。

突然想起，每一个人对于我要念书的决定感到的疑惑与不解。我想，就连我自己也无法一一解释清楚，大概就是典型的我想要的情况。I want。

下个星期又要飞到台湾了。这次好想深切的、大力地呼吸着台湾的空气，想要体会一下我青春少艾之时追慕的人所呼吸的感动。

极短文 1 | 头昏脑胀

穿梭在密密麻麻的的字行间，思绪飞快地前进着。
不禁想到，到底大脑阅读与消化资讯的速度是多快呢？- 1
会不会因为阅读太快，而感到晕眩？- 2

又开始在读着一些不切实际的东西。今晚一定要好好排出这个星期和下个星期的阅读计划，我不想毕不了业。

教授开始要我们去思考毕业论文的方向了，会不会太快啊？我们连我们这一科念啥都不太确定的说，教授还真当我们是医学学生来操。

记事2 | 平衡

自开学以来，我觉得我身边很多东西都在很快速地改变。很多东西当你有时间的时候，你不会觉得是怎样的一回事，可是当你时间不足的时候，你会惊觉原来有一些东西你无法全然的接受与放下。

和太太结婚不过也只是过了两周，最近的她为了工作变得很忙，偶尔会忙到当放工回家时，一整个人已被重重的压力折磨着，似乎看任何事情都没有兴趣。因为我开始过着颠倒的时候，变得有点没天没夜的生活，而两人的生活也越渐缺乏交集，当见到面时，不是我在睡觉，就是她在睡觉，就连简单的晚餐时间，我们几乎都没法碰上。

有一些事情在酝酿着，而我感到非常不安。简单来说，很常我会觉得我是一个人在过着生活，无论是在学习方面，仰或是在生活方面。而这种感觉，我的另一半其实也是这样觉得的。我是一个很vocal的人，所以每当我觉得有些事情不妥时，在经过了层层的天人交战后，我觉得必须说出来，事情才会渐渐解决。每次当我向太太提出我的不安时，几乎都会变成一发不可收拾的骂战。她会责怪我的付出，而我会痛斥着她对我的不在乎。

两年前，当我的工作直线上升时，我的生活几乎也是被工作填满，而那个时候，太太是选择默默地在我身边，陪伴着我，静静的付出着的。她进入繁忙的阶段其实已经有很长的一段时间了，当我们角色对换时，我发觉原来默默付出与忍受是多么不容易，所以一开始我总是抱着我要包容与付出的心态默默的体谅着（当然途中我还是会不经意的向她投诉），可是不知道什么时候开始，我会发觉我的付出好像逐渐变得理所当然，然后她也开始看不见了，而不用说其实在这段旅程中，我自己这边也发生了很多东西，所以格局开始演变成我不说话，可是我却在烦恼着，而她觉得一切安好，然后也开始觉得我的付出变得不够，也开始看不见我的付出了。

最近有好几个晚上，我们会因为这个议题闹得非常夜，而其实很常隔天是一个工作天。吵着很多你不懂，我不愿意了解；我不喜欢，你不愿意改变的种种事情，最后很可能两人都面红耳赤的假装妥协，而我总是会陷入浓厚的忧郁之中，我相信她也是。

到底，这是因为我开始念书了，才会发现的问题，还是问题其实已经在，念书也否不过是一个trigger。

记事 1 | 开学

终于开学了，上了好几堂课，尽管好几次都是在错愕与惊讶当中度过，但无可厚非当学生真的很幸福。

上学这条路，好像和当初在念本科时，在感觉上特别不一样。念本科时，身边总是围绕这一群朋友（先不论是良友还是猪朋），但是念硕暂时给我最大的感觉时，这条走着的时候，好像有点孤单。

每个周末，早早就会醒过来，在持续好几个5分钟的延迟后，才会缓缓地从温暖床铺中不太情愿的撑起身子。但，想到在课堂上，可以学到新的知识时，睡意会顿时转换为浅浅地微笑。习惯在热乎乎的淋浴中，洗去一身倦意，然后再让思绪飞窜，不久后，便会换过一身轻盈的便服，在厨房里翻箱倒柜的找着食物，最常吃的是青瓜，胡萝卜。

大概30分钟车程，我就会达到学校。虽然称为学校，但其实也不过是在一栋政府楼的某个楼层。课室通常会是电脑室，里面的凳椅可说是一场赌博，有时如果命运许可，你可能会获得的一张看似不舒服，但其实4个小时直下后，仍不会感到腰酸背痛的椅子；但也有时候，命运弄人，才刚坐下十分钟，你腰骨似打上了千万支针筒一样的酸痛，不适感偶尔会太过猛烈，才不情不愿的换着椅子，通常换过了过后，会有着那种感恩万分的情绪弄上心头（对，我有点懒和夸张）。

第一星期的课，教授们很体恤的告诉我们，尽管我们的课程是医学院承办的，但教授们对于我们的要求，没有很高。但求每一科都70分，勉强及格就好。听了，有点咂舌，但不服输的劲还是在，想着可不可能以第一级的成绩过这个学期，但想了想可能性是有的，只是学习的计划要规划的更好，执行也要更为严谨。

上学这件事，家人的看法是参半的。也有口里说着好，但却没有很体谅的行为。我的情绪较为敏感，所以有为了这件事情思虑过，且陷入深深的情绪当中。

这星期要去注册了，喜忧参半。喜，在于这是庄快乐事，虽然到了今时今日，我也没有找到一个很明确的理由去做这件事，但无差。忧，是因为有很琐碎事还没做好，实在太多琐碎事了。这次的事件，也让我察觉到了自身的忧虑可以是这么夸张的。

这个星期要交第一份功课了，希望一切顺利。

To break the bubbles

A few days back, I was in Wisma Sejarah to attend my Master programme's orientation. The orientation supposed to last for a whole day, but I bailed out after finishing the morning session. I must say I walked away with mixed feelings, and I would like to discuss it in this post - though not very much about the programme.

To go back to Ivory tower isn't a simple decision, in fact it was a move that I wanted to take since I graduated back then. It was a move that affect not only myself, but also people and things that I care for - my fiance, my family, my career development and surely financial stability. All these were the showstoppers previously, I know that I can't put all of it aside and focus on studying. A little bit background of myself, I was brought up in a middle (more to lower) class family, and like all the other typical Chinese family, education is always a need but not a want in our family, the bear minimum or the hope was just to ensure that, we manage to get a ticket to enter the white collar labor market, and eventually secure a job that can provide. When I was in my undergrad, I really enjoyed studying a lot, although there were times that I was needed to study for exam which I hated a lot, but most of my time was fonder memories. And this little seed of wanting to do big on Academic has rooted in me then, but things weren't as smooth as I wanted it to be, I have no choice but to work.

It wasn't really a big let go of my dream, in between I still did try to apply for a foreign scholarship - Erasmus Mundus, but I didn't make it to the finalist pool - only managed to be in the reserve list. This was in year 2015. And after that, the idea of studying has faded, and it becomes the elephant in the room.

Things changes a few months ago. It was just another ordinary day, where I wandered around on the internet, and I discovered about this new programme of USM - Master in Cognitive Neuroscience. This programme is supervised and structured directly under the School of Medical Science. The whole offerings are very exciting, since it is attached under Medical School, so you can expect to have the access to utilize better technology for your research, and your panel of lecturers will mostly be those Medical Doctors that instilled a higher standard in their teachings (bias thought!). After years of showering with the reality, now, I am in a better position to take more control on my life, my paycheck is sufficient to allow me to spread my wings for self actualization - and the tiny voice in me was shouting out loud: it is time, and I should give it a try. 

The later parts of story were quite standard, apply to the programme, got interviewed, and then the offer is on the table. 

I have this weird habits where I overthink a lot, so even when I haven't confirmed that I am being offered with a placement - my trail of thought has  run so far down to picture the life, consequences, changes awaits ahead of me. The decision wasn't make by me only, my fiance was very supportive when it comes to studying, being my best friend and better half of my life, she always know that there is this tiny little flame in me, and without any hesitation, she supports me unconditionally.

When things are at the bright side, I know I should be positive, but somehow or rather, I started to fear, I am doubting my willpower. This plot is pretty much predictable if you know me well enough. I think I have this problem where I have very bizarre (fluctuating) self-confidence and recognition. The more support I get from the surroundings, the more I will have this fear that I will disappoint people, it is like my wish has turned into other's expectation on me, and I care more on how people see me. So what I've secretly done was not to share this big news on social media, no FB, no Linkedin about it at all. You don't tell the whole world something that is half baked.  Half baked, what a word!? Am I trying to implicit the idea of pulling out now? or half way? seriously, if you were to dig into my body and listen to all those tiny voices, the inside story will pretty much be like the angel and devil's conversation, so no conclusion yet.

Going for such a big changes in life, you can't just assume you will live with blinded self-persuasion. Your determination needs to be translated into actionable items, like be more discipline. Am I ready for all these? perhaps? I think so? nah, let's get it done once and for all, I have waited for 5 years, so it is now or never, the answer is simple: I am ready.

I don't know how people will think of me after they read this, but what I needed now is just a window to let go of the running wild thoughts in me, and I know underneath the self-inflicted worries, I still want to pursue this. I fear, but having this fear isn't a bad thing.

So wish me all the best for finally have the guts to address the elephant in the room, I will be fine. 

A start

最近疯了。对工作依然觉得疲倦，会有着一种无法大展拳脚的感觉，当然这里面除了自身的惰性之外，老板做生意的模式也真的很令人咋舌。

自从大学毕业以后，时间过了差不多有5年余。依希犹记，大学毕业时，满腔热血的安排着自己继续深造的梦想，然后也很幼稚地发着白日梦，哪一天会行走在常春藤的任何一间大学的花园了，捧着厚重的书本，行走在春色花香的情境下，偶尔望向池塘，暗暗地感叹着徐志摩那时的剑桥一游。前面说得这么夸张，感觉上不是真的梦想成真，就是梦想一拍即散。两者都不是，梦想在一个取舍与折衷的环境下，貌似要萌芽发展。就在数个星期前，偶然看到了马来西亚理科大学要承办一个新课程 - Master of Cognitive Neuroscience 。从一开始发现到后来的申请程序，大概只花了一两个星期。如果问我是否已经深思熟虑而做出这个决定，我实在也说不上来。感觉上，这个决定是有着8分的整装待发，和两份的冲动。记得那天草草的翻了一些资料（关于Cognitive Neuroscience)，然后回家向女朋友（那时候还不是未婚妻）说着这个机会和自己的意愿，她是很支持我的，我想现在身边不是很多人见过我当初在大学的拼搏，女友是非常清楚我的潜力与能够继续深造的梦想的。所以我们并没有说太多，女友非常支持我，而且也坚信我一定能够完成这个课程。然后过了几个星期，收到了理大的通知，他们入取了我进这个课程。当然，我是半工半读的安排下继续念书。认识我的人大概都知道我是一个标准的织梦者。得知入取资格过后，除了很疯狂的念着一些很深涩的相关的期刊报告之外，我也很不切实际的找着那一间美国大学的Cognitive Neuroscience是很出名。我到了Harvard, Brown, Columbia, MIT, John Hopkins, UCLA和一些英国大学像 Cambridge, Oxford，UOL等等的相关网页去找资料，最后看了好几位研究非常出色的教授，其中有一位香港教授（他在UCLA教书）特别吸引着我目光，大学本科一级荣誉毕业后，之后便到了Oxford越级修博，现在已经是一位受人尊重的教授。我也在慢慢翻着他的研究期刊，想看看日后我的研究能不能够朝他的研究兴趣去，说不来的，或许他会成为之后的研究导师（当然实际一点，毕业硕士才来谈博士，或许连硕都没读完）。

今年，特别是下半年，太多东西一起发生了。终于下定决心去读书，然后我也要和我女友结婚了，会在9月30日注册，这是一个很大块的话题，日后有时候会慢慢告知。谈些正式事：这个部落格最主要是为了记录我念书的一些点点滴滴，她可以是记录一些人事物，也能成为一个杂物堆，让我丢一些相关研究期刊在这里，也可以是我学了一些什么有趣的东西，可以在这里分享。不留任何承诺，有心有时间便会持续写着。